Coping With Never Being a Father: 5 Ways To Ease The Pain
We live in a world that’s skewed towards rewarding those who procreate.
So it’s a challenge to cope with never being a father when you’re constantly bombarded with the reminders of what others have. And what you so desperately wanted:
- A family of your own to create memories with.
- Children to love, hug, and play sports with.
- Big family gatherings and playing ball in the park.
The pain is real. And it’s not something our culture ever talks about.
I get it. I may not be a man, but I know the pain and grief of being childless not by choice.
As a men’s counsellor I know that men struggle with this just as much as women do. Often alone and in silence.
That’s why I’m sharing these proven strategies to help ease the pain of being a childless man.
This isn’t an attempt to fix or magically make things better.
That’s not really possible. What you’re going through is deep and complex and can’t be cured with a few words.
But my hope is that these strategies will help you feel less alone:
To help you deal with the very real and valid pain and loss that you’re experiencing. To empower you. To help you find some peace with this difficult reality. And to find a way to cope with the thought of never being a father.
What percentage of men have children – and what percentage of men don’t?
There’s no exact numbers when it comes to fatherhood statistics. But one survey of Australian men* found that 12.2% of 45-49 year olds, 14.6% of 50-54 year olds, and 11.3% of 55-59 year old men were childless.
So what do these numbers mean?
You’re not alone. And learning how to cope with never being a father is a journey many men are on – just like you.
How to Cope With Never Being a Father & Live as an Empowered Childless Man
1. Give Yourself Permission to Grieve
Coping with never being a father can be one of the most overwhelming things to feel. Sadly, other people don’t always recognise the loss that you’re experiencing.
You see, when someone passes away we usually hold a ceremony or ritual to commemorate that person:
- We acknowledge the loss, express our grief, and recall happy memories to make sense of the loss.
- Family and friends attend, offering support and practical assistance.
- And we understand that openly grieving is an important way of dealing with grief.
Yet men are encouraged to have a “stiff upper lip”. To be tough and strong and to not show emotion.
But how do you deal with the loss of never being a father if you’re not ‘allowed’ to wail and cry?
If you’re adapting to the reality of having a childless family – or being suddenly single and childless in your 40s and beyond – grieving for the family you thought you’d have is important.
While grief is a deeply individual process, here’s some helpful ways to express your grief:
- performing a ritual to say goodbye to the children you imagined
- writing a letter to your unborn children to tell them of all the hopes and dreams you’d had for their future.
- wailing or crying out loud (even into a pillow)
- talk to your partner about the names you’d come up with, and all the beautiful moments you’d imagined in the future.
Sometimes you need to pour that grief into something physical. Running, punching a punch bag, or swimming until your lungs feel like they’ll burst. It doesn’t take the grief away, but it does help to start letting it out.
But remember – grief is not linear. Don’t be surprised if it comes back. Even if you thought you were ‘over it’.
There’s also a strong link between childlessness and depression. So if you suddenly feel weighed down by this again, know that you’re not alone, and it’s OK to seek support.
(If you’re coping with never being a father and going through a difficult grieving period, speaking with a professional can help. This is something I help men with in my 1:1 counselling and coaching practice. If you’re interested in having a chat and learning more, click here to book in a complimentary discovery call.)
2. You Don’t Have to Be The Rock All the Time
If you’re in a relationship you might feel that you have to keep it all together. To be the protector and provider. “Be strong. Be tough. Be the rock! Man up!”
But these expectations are toxic. They put you under extreme pressure. And they certainly don’t help you cope with your own grief of never being a father.
This feeling of having to be “the rock” is sometimes driven by feeling uncomfortable about expressing your own feelings.
Other times, it’s driven by the feeling that your partner is already struggling so much:
- to get you both through this awful time you feel that you need to protect them and be strong for them
- You feel like you don’t have the time or the opportunity to break down and express your own sadness because you’re staying strong for someone else.
Wanting to protect and support your partner is a beautiful gift. But it comes at a cost:
When you maintain the rock-like composure and don’t express your feelings it can (mistakenly) feel to your partner that you don’t care. Holding in all those feelings about your childless family can be hugely damaging for a relationship. And for your own sanity.
Giving yourself the space to grieve and getting the support you need will help you AND your relationship. It might even bring the two of you closer together.
3. Don’t Be Scared To Put People In Their Place
There’s nothing worse than sitting across from someone at a cafe and hearing them say, “Well why don’t you just adopt/get a surrogate?”
Or even worse, “Why don’t you take my kids for the day – they drive me crazy?”
Cue eye roll!
Then they come out with the old, “You don’t know what you’re missing out on.”
“Actually, I do,” you might want to tell them. You might even want to tell them the deep pain, grief, and loss you feel every time someone makes that comment:
Every time you see a Dad playing and laughing with their child. Every time someone asks you if you have kids.
But chances are you won’t.
Because it’s awkward. It’s uncomfortable. You don’t want to be rude. And you also don’t know what to say.
But here’s the thing: You don’t need to explain yourself.
If you’re coping with never being a father you shouldn’t have to tell them your medical business or your life story. They’ve got no right to make comments or assumptions about you or your partner’s reproductive system. They’ve got no right to know why you don’t have kids or why you “don’t just adopt”.
So don’t be scared to have a ready response that you share. Especially one that makes people reflect on how inappropriate their comments and questions are.
Being childless not by choice has probably already made you consider these options and more.
You likely know way more than the person sitting opposite you offering up their “helpful” advice.
So when they start throwing out their suggestions and opinions on things that they’ve probably never even looked at, don’t be afraid to politely tell them how unhelpful those kinds of comments can be.
Need Some Ideas?
The thing is, we’re conditioned to make others feel more comfortable in the face of our pain.
But it’s totally OK to just not respond. It’s OK not to make them feel better about what you’re going through. It’s OK to politely make them aware that glib or reflexive comments are actually unsupportive and unhelpful.
4. Redefine Your Purpose
Have you ever noticed how society is driven by hitting these external life “milestones”?
Get the good job. Meet a partner. Get married. Have children. Then celebrate winning at life!
When you can’t meet these milestones though, it can feel like you’ve lost your purpose in life:
- What will you do with all the knowledge, skills, and experiences that you were gathering to make yourself into the best Dad possible?
- Who are you going to tell your stories and wisdom to? From the silly things you did when you were younger, to all the lessons you’ve learnt along the way?
- Who are you going to teach to throw a ball, fix a car, and dance?
- Who are you going to tickle, carry on your shoulders, and hug when they scrape their knee?
Finding a new purpose can be hard. Because up until now, you probably hadn’t considered a future that didn’t involve children, being a father, and passing on your skills and experience.
Now, you may have work to give you purpose. You may have a relationship, hobbies, or interests. But the loss of that imagined Dad role can be really significant.
This is where redefining your plan, setting new goals, and looking to new things will bring meaning and purpose to your life.
Society often tells you things like “you don’t know true love until you have a child”. Or “you wouldn’t understand, you don’t have kids”.
So it’s especially important to find a plan where you can still know true love. And so you can feel that your opinions and feelings are just as valid as anyone else’s.
(If you’re struggling to figure out what your new plan might look like, I can help. Sometimes we need someone neutral to help support us as we go through the very emotional process of transitioning from the path we thought we were on, to a new path. That new path can be just as happy, fulfilling, and meaningful. Reach out if you’d like to work with me on redefining your plan.)
5. Find Your Tribe
As a single childless woman I know how hard it can be to find friends who really understand what I’ve gone through. And finding that tribe can be even harder for men:
No-one talks about coping with never being a father. It’s hardly ever represented in the media, in movies, TV, or social media.
And it’s an incredibly lonely place to be.
This is especially true if you’re childless and single in your 40s+. Because it often comes with a mix of other unexpected life transitions:
Maybe your relationship has just ended. Or maybe you’ve found yourself living in a new place, with a new job, and having lost all your support networks and friendship groups.
Suddenly you’re feeling really alone. Without your usual tribe around you.
And as you start trying to make new friends it can feel like everyone around you is married with children. (Which means they won’t quite get what it’s like to be facing a future you hadn’t planned for. )
Aging without children can feel scary and isolating. But it’s not impossible to find your tribe. You can try:
- Singles social networks
- Meetup groups for those who are childless.
- Joining a local sporting team.
- Social groups for a hobby like photography, hiking, gaming.
Another great resource is Facebook. There’s a growing number of groups there for people who are childless not by choice. Including one of my favourites which is just for men and run by my good friend and colleague Michael – Clan Of Brothers.
There’s also some incredible communities dedicated to raising awareness and offering support resources for childless men –
And again, if you’re struggling, book in a time for a counselling session where we can brainstorm ideas and strategies for how you can start re-connecting and developing new friendships.
Moving Forward…
None of these are a magic pill to take away the pain, grief, loss, and isolation of being an (unexpectedly) childless man.
Instead, my hope is that these tips and strategies help you to see you’re not alone.
There are many others out there who understand what it’s like to be coping with never being a father. No two people experience grief and loss in the same way. But I hope you’ve found some useful suggestions to start processing the overwhelming emotions that can come from finding yourself in this unimagined situation. There is support – take the courageous first step to reach out and ask for help.
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